


Empty Thoughts and Empty Rooms

by Bananthony



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, F/M, Past Kaidan Alenko/Commander Shepard, Tragedy, dark themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-13
Updated: 2014-08-13
Packaged: 2018-02-12 23:14:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2128062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bananthony/pseuds/Bananthony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Garrus wished he could go back and change the past. He wished he could still hold Shepard in his arms and tell her he loved her. He wished he could still breathe in her scent and play with her soft fringe. He wished he could hear her say his name and laugh breathlessly in his ear. But most of all, he wished he could go back and have a couple more moments with her instead of shooting her down. (Angsty Garrus-centric fic with mentions of a past romance with Shepard and Kaidan.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Empty Thoughts and Empty Rooms

“Can we talk?” she had asked.

Garrus wanted to turn to her and nod, to let out a big, goofy, turian grin. Instead, he sucked in a breath, looked at the console and replied with a monotonous voice.

“Can it wait for a bit? I’m in the middle of some calibrations.”

He silently cursed himself when his visor picked up her surprised heart rate. He wanted to change his mind when he visibly saw her wilt in his peripheral vision. Instead, he kept himself firm as she put on her Commander mask and walked out the door.  
\------  
Horizon had taken its toll on everyone involved. Some more than others, Garrus thought as he stared at the motionless Commander staring out the window of the observation deck. He thought about approaching her and taking her in his arms, but quickly dismissed the thoughts. He wouldn’t know what to say and he didn’t want to make matters worse.

He was the first to know about her relationship with Kaidan. He had caught them sneaking away in the middle of the night, giggling like teenagers before their voices quickly turned into moans of lust. But that was two years prior, and the Kaidan they met on Horizon spoke harsh words that visibly affected Shepard. Garrus felt a growl of anger bubble up inside of him.

The two years without her had been tough on everyone, Garrus mused. Kaidan’s softness melted away into bitterness, Tali found herself forcing her way deep into work to forget everything, Joker hid behind cynical humor, and Garrus found himself in a pit of despair surrounded by mercs and quickly running out of ammo. It hit him like a ton of stones; Shepard had been affected as well. For her, it had been a matter of days. She saw her friends change within a sentence and it was cruel to her. She probably missed Garrus’ chuckle, Tali’s naivety, Joker’s never ending jokes, and Kaidan’s kindness.

Garrus drug himself back to his quarters, deciding against visiting Shepard. She needed time alone, away from all the changes in her life. He let himself get submerged into his work, barely noticing the doors swishing over.

“Garrus?” a voice asked. His blood ran cold.

“Shepard,” he answered. “Need me for something?”

“Just want to talk,” her voice was unsure.

“I,” Garrus struggled with his words. “I’m busy. Sorry. Come back some other time?”

He wished he had the sense to turn around instead of watching her. Her eyes wouldn’t meet his, her scars lighting her face in awkward places, bags underneath her eyelids, and a frown that never left. She let out a shaky breath before nodding and taking her leave.

Garrus didn’t sleep that night.  
\------  
Time had changed them both. They were together, much to Garrus’ disbelief. He had no idea if that was ever subject to change. When the reaper forces attacked and he found himself back aboard the Normandy, he thought that maybe they would be together until the end. His hopes were dashed when she walked aboard the ship after a stop at the Citadel, Kaidan in tow.

He watched as she introduced him to the new members of the crew and showed him to the observation deck. The same place she sat and stared after he broke her heart. Garrus tried to hide his bitterness under a smile when he shook Kaidan’s hand that evening.

Shepard came down to visit him that night. He wasn’t exactly in the mood. He ignored her cheerful demeanor, keeping his eyes on the controls as he muttered words that instantly broke her mood.

“Maybe later?”  
\------  
Two could play at that game, Garrus thought, enraged. She had left him behind on several missions now and it was driving him nuts. He was used to being by her side every mission. Now he was replaced with James and Liara. The only thing stopping him from going insane, was the fact that Kaidan rarely got picked as well.

A cold feeling settled in his gut. Was she treating him like she did Kaidan? Did he mean nothing to her now? Had he messed up his chances? He refused to be treated like Kaidan. He refused to let himself relax and think this was all a misunderstanding, and of course, when Shepard came down to question why Kaidan was sporting a black eye, his only response chilled her to the bone.

“Not right now.”  
\------  
Garrus was incredibly restless and he couldn’t do anything about it. All his thoughts went back to her and their final moments together. When she helped him aboard the Normandy and whispered her love for him with a sad smile on her face, when her face fell when he whispered it back.

He shook his head, before groaning as dizziness made itself known. A headache was burning its way from the back of his skull and his limbs were tense from lack of use. He had been sitting in this hospital for weeks while doctors fussed over him and other crewmates of the Normandy. Other crewmates that weren’t Shepard. 

When his mind wasn’t clouded from the medications, he remembered all the moments he shared with her. The way she laughed and fit her arms around his waist, the way she pressed her forehead to his, the way she fit so seamlessly into his life. His mind would whirl and drift, thinking of every time he sent her away when all she wanted was to talk.

How many times had he told her he was busy? That he had nothing to talk about? That he couldn’t speak at the moment? How many minutes more would he have got to share with her if he had swallowed his pride and let her speak? Instead of wasting time being prissy over misunderstandings because they didn’t get to talk?

He felt a breathless sob leave him as a nurse attended to him. She offered him pain medication but he quickly declined and ignored the pitying look she gave as she realized what truly hurt. She patted his unhurt shoulder before leaving him alone. 

“Shepard? I have plenty of time if you want to talk,” his strained voice called to the empty room.

Silence was his only answer.


End file.
